Yesterday I finally plucked up courage and unblocked the sink in the bathroom. The years of accumulated hair, soap and gunk was quite disgusting, but the satisfaction of seeing water flowing freely down the plug-hole is immense.
The sink seems to me a good metaphor for both the state of my Crohn’s and how I’m feeling being in France at the moment.
Firstly, my bowel is still taking some time to get back on an even keel after last week’s pain and vomiting. I know I have a couple of places of narrowing in my small intestine and, unless I eat a very low-residue diet, I get pain when food passes through.
There is no sink-unblocking solution to this problem. If there is food ‘backed-up’ behind the narrowing, it is a case of eating very carefully, drinking plenty of fluids and waiting. And trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Ultimately I will need more surgery – but not yet.
Secondly, after being poorly with one thing or another since the end of last summer, I am feeling quite annoyed with life and that I’m missing out on the whole living in France experience.
This frustration is filling me up and stressing me out.
One thing I have to keep reminding myself that I still have five and a half months here. Another thing to remember is that this has been a fairly typical autumn and winter for me.
I generally get on with life and cope with long periods of inactivity without always becoming consumed with frustration, anger or depression. I have become very skilled at grasping opportunities when they arise and managing my expectations.
I get a lot done for someone who doesn’t do very much.
This chance to live in France for a year has been an amazing opportunity – and one I would recommend to anybody. But living abroad is challenging and does knock you off balance at times.
The problem for me at the moment is that I am beginning to see this opportunity through the eyes of someone who does not have a serious long-term health problem and who does not normally spend most of the year tucked-up at home.
Perhaps the gunk that needs cleaning out is the gunk of unrealistic expectations rather than the gunk of my illness (apologies for stretching the metaphor a bit too far).
Because, ultimately, I will get the most out of this five and a half months if I am focused on and excited by what I can do, not overwhelmed by the frustration of what I cannot do.
