Now if you have never had one of these they are a real treat. Here are the instructions I was given.
You will lie flat on your back on the x-ray table and an x-ray will be taken.
- You will then be told to lie on your side. The health care provider will gently insert a well-lubricated tube (enema tube) into your rectum. The tube is connected to a bag that holds a liquid containing barium sulfate. It is placed in the rectum.
- The liquid is a type of contrast material that highlights specific areas in the body, creating a clearer image. The barium flows into your colon, and eventually passes out of your body with your stools.
Prior to the above instructions I was given a couple bottles of some kind of liquid to clean out the bowel. Clean out the bowel was the understatement of the year. I was literally frightened to go to bed that night fearing I would wake up floating in something, shall we say less then desirable.
I named this liquid cleanser Javex, because at that time Javex was running a commercial that said it cleaned like a white tornado. My bowel and I thought that was fitting.
The day of the barium enema I was taken into a room at the Brandon, Manitoba General Hospital.
Two other men were there waiting for the same thing and we were all just separated by those flimsy little curtains.
Behind one curtain a fuss of some kind was taken place. Lucky me I was in the middle. I gently parted my curtains, to the side where the fuss was not coming from, and said to the concerned fellow in that bed. "I wonder what's going on in there. He replied and I agreed, "he did not want to know".
Soon we found the nature of the commotion. I guess the fellow where the fuss was coming from wanted a male nurse. He did not want a female stuffing a, his words, garden hose up his ass. When I heard the words "garden hose" my pulse quickened and I began to sweat. Surely it couldn't be a garden hose?
I heard the nurse exclaim - Well if I can't do it, then there is nothing we can do for you? We have no male nurses on staff, so unless you can convince the Doctor to do it, I am moving on.
Moving on, in this case, meant me. In seconds my curtains opened and the nurse said to me, Well, Mr. Hiatt, I hope you're not shy. I thought a little humor was in order so I said no I am not shy, but I am scared shitless, literally.
She laughed told me to get on my left side, draw my knees up to my chin and away we went. I took a quick look at the garden hose she was holding. Well it wasn't all that big so we proceeded. No anesthetic, nothing, just me and the garden hose.
It really wasn't a painful experience. They pump the barium into you and then you have to hold on to it for about a half hour until all the Xrays are done. I didn't think I would make it but I did.
The ending was crazy. The nurse came and asked me if I was ready. I said, ready for what?
She said we are going to take you to the bathroom and you can get rid of this stuff. So to avoid accidents and cranky janitors, I got out of bed with the nurse holding on to this hose, still firmly entrenched you know where, and we ran down the hall. Me in the lead her right behind me.
The third patient waiting his turn was laughing until tears ran down his cheeks.
Once we got into the bathroom, the nurse had me squat inches above the toilet, her with her hand still on the hose, and then when I had assumed the position, she pulled out the hose.
I had expected to instantly unload. But I didn't. It fact I had to sit on the crapper for a full two hours before I passed the stuff. The nurse told me every one varies. Some people she said deliver the goods almost instantly while others take longer. To my dismay I was the first one, she said, to take a full two hours.
As for the shy guy, never did hear what happened to him.